Fabulous Andy: In Da Club 2

Miss Fab has been partying quite a lot in the past few days. You guys can't say I don't provide appropriate research for my articles.

I hurt my arm last week. (No, I wasn't drunk, I slipped during my dance practice.) That didn't stop me from going out with school buddies, however, and having a hell of a good time. Journalism students might be very unsexy, but boy, do they drink! All of a sudden, a drunken nerdy girl in my program started - ahem -"dancing" (actually, she was trying to move her hips in a sexy way) with the BIGGEST crush I've ever had.

Let me explain.

I was nine years old when I saw him for the first time. He was in my class in elementary school and I thought - and still think - he was gorgeous. I used to be an almost-mute little girl, so never did I dare talk to him. For the next two years, I would shyly stare at him from far away at recess and hope he would invite me to dance each time we had an elementary school disco party. I finally realized that nothing would happen between us when we went in different high schools.

Now, he's part of the communications department at my university AND he was dancing with a trashed nerdy whore?! In all my drunkiness, I thought that was insane.

The next evening, I went out with Cherry and her cousin to go man-hunting. After too many tequila shots, we hit the dancefloor. I thought one of the bouncers look just like one of the hot managers at the resto-bar where I work, so I danced whorily and without mercy. Instead of looking at me, he was too busy taking care of the promotion chicks.

Clubs sometimes have really corny themes. That night, a bunch of girls were dressed as angels and devils. I get good ol' God must have had a heart attack when he saw how ugly they were. Plus, they weren't even dancing!

I ended the night playing bootilicious with this aggressive asshole. He was a lot of fun dancing with, but kept on trying to choke me. Tired of feeling molested, I slapped him at one point and told him to calm down, which he did.

I deleted his phone number five minutes later.

The next night, after having laughed/screamed/carried beer pitchers all evening because of multiple bachelors' and bachelorettes' parties at work, I went to Rodzilla's house where he was hosting a party. The ONLY hot guy, it appeared, had a girlfriend.

Too bad, I thought. I would've definitely intensified the constant grin he had on his face if he hadn't had the "other" glued to him the whole time.

Time to sleep, guys. I wish y'all a good night and stay tuned for more raunchiness next weekend...

Rodzilla: Online SexHOPPING

Yeah, yeah, you thinking the bro' ain't got enuff dough?! No, No. I've got plenty of clothes and pumps to put on but hey, you ain't neva got enough!!

I've always HATED shopping in malls and family-targeted outlets 'cuz guess what? It's just plain unoriginal and tired. I used to go shopping with Terrine very often and I really need to say she's exhaustive! Sincerely, take note that she is one hell of a crazy shopper and that she spends all of her money. She's also very freak-o about what to wear and stuff. She's like a 40 year-old mom (like mine); what I mean by that is she wants to know your opinion but will NEVER agree with you. Once you've told her what you think, she'll try to convince you that what she wants is better. And this toward clothes that will belong and be worn by her!! I like looking at my friends and feeling that they're hot and that I'm glad to know'em but hey, I won't throw a bitch fight 'cuz a sista doesn't wanna wear what I'd like her to wear!

As for me, I need clothes that scream my favourite word : SEX. I also need distinguishable apparel 'cuz I'm simply a fierce mothafucka. Boutique and window shopping is so '98. Nowadays it's the internet that has revolutionized our way to consume and spend our money. I really want to bring your attention to the newly updated http://www.ebay.com/ website that now hosts a section dedicated to Fashion plus a Fashion Blog. How extraordinaire?! I'd say that I'm Dangerously In Love like Beyoncé but in this case, not with Jay-Z. But Queen B had a strong hint then : Rappers know how to sell clothes, perfumes, cars, video games and SEX.

That's why I'm looking forward to buying a t-shirt that has a sexy rapper like Snoop Doggy Dogg on it or any kind of street-cred credited bastard. I need to tell you that Fabulous Andy told me she had sex listening to some Drake!!! Isn't that incredibly funny?! She happened to be making out with a guy who had befriended ex-Degrassi Drake in his early teens in Toronto. I was so drunk when she told me that I fell on the floor laughing my ass off!!

Let's  not get too far from our main focus: Internet Product Purchases. I basically had the call to tell you my passion for it and how it revolutionized my life (and my bank account). I'll end up with french beauty telling y'all: "Achetez tout ce que vous désirez, lisez notre blogue et faites comme nous: FOURREZ"!!!

Rodzilla: Are We Sluts?

The main subject of my questioning since the last few months.

I think I’m the kind of person who always reminisces about everything he does; especially when it comes to sex. Accordingly, I’m so horny that sometimes I’d be willing to give up on anyone having minimal junk in the trunk. I’m a man, you gotta excuse my manners but when the testosterone bursts, there’s nothing I can do to help it; I gotta live my bestiality with another beast.

When I feel like having sex, I usually take the train #1 which consists of one night-stands. I know this sounds very unclassy and even plain pathetic but for me, sex partners are like Kleenexes; you’d use’em just to wipe away your stickiest shortcomings. I guess I’m totally not old-fashioned and prefer not having to wake up with the rat bastard the day after or the day after after. Fabulous Andy, Terrine and I have all had one night-stands but I think Fabulous Andy and I are the worst, let’s just say we’re more fabulous.

I can’t say that I regret sleeping with strangers but there are times when I keep asking myself the same question than Carrie from Sex and The City : Are We Sluts? Some people would say yes, some others would say no, but one thing is for sure: you can call me ho! Haha, let’s not have any shame here! It’s our blog, it’s meant to be hot ‘N humid just like the Caribbean haven both of my female colleagues have down south.

Being a real whore would imply charging your partners for your services which we don’t. Therefore, I think this might be an acknowledgeable sign that we are not prostitutes. I made the countdown and officially slept with 6 men (I’m 20), Fabulous Andy did the same and I think it was 12 (twice my worryness) and as for Terrine, it was something like 4 or 5, how disappointing? We can all agree by the numbers that Terrine is the most boring and needs to get some piece of ass more often!

I think I’ll have to go for now, I’m way too busy searching for meat, studying, working and trying to get some sleep once in a while! But I think I’ll sum it up saying we might be whores but I don’t think there’s anything bad about it, Dankjewel!

Fabulous Andy: In Da Club

I enjoy going clubbing.

It's even nicer when you're underage. I remember going to my first bar when I was 16. Dude, did I feel powerful going by the doorman without showing my cards! My friend and I drank like everyone else, but ended the night watching stupid teenage movies and eating gummy bears at her place. There's nothing like gummy bears to remind you how immature you still are.

For those puritain readers living in the States, the drinking age is 18 here, so come on down and call me (ha, ha)! Unless Harper abolishes the gun registration, you may not bring your weapons, though.

So I started actual clubbing at the age of 17. Older friends had taught me about the proper attire and the proper men one should dance with. Proper men, however, are not part of my vocabulary, I soon found out. Good guys don't dance well because they're too shy. (Same thing goes for Germans. They've never learned to use their hips!) I had a lot of fun with black dudes and latino guys I would've never presented to my parents. Y'all had them tattoos, shaggy clothes 'n bandanas, y'know. Shiggas.

Shiggas were part of my world for a little while. Grinding was fun, but exchanging phone numbers became a bit too intimate. A relationship CANNOT start while grinding with hip-hop music blasting in one's ears. I tried, and the dude ended up in fact being eleven years older than I was.

Some guys are worth just having a very brief relationship with. Others would make good husbands... for my neighbor. It's one or the other. Bad-ass or goody-two-shoes. Aren't there any compromises in Montreal? Fun guys, good-looking if possible, who don't carry knives in their pockets, who would have a slightly more extended vocabulary than "yo" or "chill"?

That's what we'll see in my next blog post. I have a busy weekend ahead, filled with parties. I'll let you guys know what kind of fishies are in those oceans.

Terrine: End of the Discussion.

Recently, I had dinner with my mother who asked me if I had some news about my ex-boyfriend?!?!?

I was like: Why would I?  Don't you remember he stopped talking to me and flushed me of Facebook because I had dumped him?

And then she was like: Yes, but I thought that maybe, even if he had stopped talking to you for a while, he would have given you some of his news.

And I said: No!

Here's a thing I don't understand about motherS.  When you are with a guy, they totally hate him!  But then, when it is over, they miss him so much and they keep telling you about how much of a good guy he was.

And this is the part where I say: Yeahh, you're right!  He was such a nice guy!  In the end he was a control-freak, and so jealous that another guy couldn't smile at me or be my friend, 'cause it was not normal according to him that I had some masculine friends while I had a boyfriend!  But he was always acting good in front of you, ain't that nice, mom?

End of the discussion!

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Terrine: Small Hands, Small **** (Easy To Guess!)

Sometimes, I wonder who invented the rule about the relationship between the size of a man's hands and the size of his dick.  It's quite funny, but it is definitely true.

I've recently been out with this guy who had such small hands, in fact it was like they were kids' hands on the body of a man... creepy I know.

Now, you may wonder, why did I date this man?

That's a very good question that I keep asking to myself.  The good answer is: I just don't know!  I've never really been into him, and that since the beginning, but the guy really wanted me and he was fitting into my schedule... so in the end I said, why not!? (But now I know WHY NOT!)  

Before I dated this guy, I had heard about the size rule, but you know, this is just the kind of rule you don't really trust and see as a myth...  Until you realize the rule isn't a myth. 

So as you've probably guessed right now, the guy had the smallest dick!... and that is not the worst part.

The worst part is that he didn't know how to use it!  Can you imagine?!?  Some girls say: « The size doesn't matter as long as he knows how to use it »... so with him, size mattered, 'cause he didn't know how to use it!

When I realized all of that, I knew it wouldn't last!... A good relationship must be based on pure love and good SEX!  So I decided that I would do what I do best: I acted like there was no problem, gave him a little few tips, and finally left and broke his heart.

But if you're not good at acting and breaking hearts, watch over for the hands... The BIGGER the BETTER!

Rodzilla: Brand New Chocolate Combo

Geez! Take a look at this: our beloved Mariah (we're Miss Carey's Lambs) and Nicki Minaj in a mouth-watering duo! Loves it ;-)

Fabulous Andy: Boys, Boys and Married Men

I’ve just finished Chelsea Handler’s My Horizontal Life and it is HILARIOUS. She is an actress as well as a stand-up comedian who tells us about her funniest one-night stands. She woke up with a naked dwarf in her bed, she slept with an underage guy, she escaped from a sado-maso dude dressed in leather… I swear she’s worse than me!

I cracked up laughing so many times that I intend to steal all the remaining copies at Chapter’s and give them to everyone I see. This vodka-addicted Chelsea is so funny. Please get this book. It is true inspiration and dedication for the love of sex.

                               *********************************

I started university last week. As usual, there is mostly estrogen in my program. I’m guessing there might be one dick to satisfy eight girls. Oh, I forget: half of them are gay, that that would make one dick for sixteen girls. I’m thinking of popping into my friend’s business classes to drool over the men there. A male student in business is a good shot. I mean, he will make quite some money thanks to his capitalist values and he will wear suits. Nice looking guys in nice suits turn me on so bad, even though they’re forty years old!

What do y’all think about having a relationship with an older man? My 17-year-old colleague recently told me about her married ex. Actually, the dude lied to her for over a year, forcing her to leave early in the morning or seeing her at odd hours because he did not want his daughter to be overwhelmed by his “new relationship”. What an asshole! One night, she noticed a women going to his apartment and asked for an explanation, after what he told her he was still married with the mother of his kid. Hopefully, she left him.

Here’s an example from my own experience: I made out with this guy a few times. He’s in a stable relationship – but has an inexistent sex life APPARENTLY – and has two young kids. He had been flirting with me for a few months before I gave in. I do have moral values sometimes and being responsible for the destruction of a relationship is certainly not something I am keen to do. He was driving me crazy as fuck with his sexual allusions, however, so I started thinking: the dude is a full-grown man. He knows exactly what he’s doing, so if he wants to stick his pickle somewhere else, that’s totally up to him and it is therefore his responsibility to cope with the consequences of the pickle-dipping.

Even though our making out in public washrooms was smoking hot, our “thing” was not going anywhere. I wanted sex really bad at that point and he was not giving it to me. “I’m sorry I can’t tonight. It is complicated for me, you know,” he would say. Unfortunately for him, my dildo was getting boring, so I told him our one-night stand would probably never happen anyways and decided to get it going with someone else who would actually give me what I wanted. Too bad, DOUCHEBAG.

Committed men are strange cases. They crave the adrenaline they get from secret relationships, but freak out when the truth might come out and destroy their peaceful family life. Girls – or guys – who are dealing with this must always remember that the dude will never leave his stability. Unfortunately, you will be doomed to stay secret. Even though you give the best blow-jobs, he will always put you second in his priorities, so take advantage of him and turn him down! He’ll be masturbating for the rest of his miserable life, dreaming about all the fun he could’ve had with you.

Cherry: The Last One Popped

Ladies and germs, allow me to introduce myself: Cherry.

Let me start by telling you who I'm not.

Yes, I have only ever had sex with one man ( Cherry Popper), maybe he is my soul mate, and yes, he loves to play with my tits in public.

HOWEVER, I am not "Dreamer".

3 differences between us:

Cherry Popper definitely doesn't cum in 30 seconds.

I am not dumb.

I am actually naturally talented and give a hell of a fucking good blow job, thank you very much.

As you can imagine, monogamy does not an interesting sex blog make. But I'm going to pull a couple of old stories out of my hat for you guys.

And grace you with these lovely stories as a guest from time to time.

For now, I have some advice coming from 2 years of monogamy:

-The right bra will get his attention, a good kiss will get him interested, great sex will make him like you, but a 45 minute blow job: that is love.

-Shove something up his ass. Trust me. He'll love it. This probably doesn't apply for one night stands though. Not that I would know.

Any man that is "too manly" enough for that ain't no man, man.

-You're very naive if you think he'll have sex only in the dark for more then... 2 weeks. He won't give up his porn, and he will stare at the boobs as they walk by. In exchange; you have an excuse to pend 50$ on candles, are still allowed your vibrator, and feel free to stare at other men. Same goes for strip clubs. And anal (see above). Don't deny him freedom, but fair is fair.

That's all for now folks.

Rodzilla, Fabulous Andy and Terrine:

Ladies, start your engines.

Watch out, boys.

Rodzilla: Be A Commander: Get What You Want

Okay, this has to be one of the best danceable songs of last summer and suprisingly, it hasn't been that popular, except for its chart trajectory in Belgium!! Music to your ears: David Guetta and Destiny's ex-Child, Kelly Rowland:

Rodzilla: Lady Gaga's Career, What About It?

I know this might sound a bit bizarre but I've happened to read a comment famed ex-supermodel and whore Janice Dickinson has said on Lady Gaga which caught my attention and raised my eyebrows. According to J-Dick, Lady Gaga's music would be "like elevator music, as far as I'm concerned. All the gays are looking for something new. She's history!". Do you really believe Lady Gaga could already be history?! At such a young age? I guess that as for now, Janice will always be way more of a has-been than Lady Gaga! Let's just point it out this way: she's 55 and hasn't modeled for years while Gaga is 24 and had multiple record-breaking hits and (sexy and fashionable) music videos.

  

The always classy, Janice Dickinson

Rodzilla: Male Models or Sport Hunks?

Once again, you probably noticed by the title that this article will be of vital concern. Indeed, everybody (who’s anybody) who’s attracted by men MUST read this article.

Over the course of the last years, I’ve had the very pleasurable opportunity to fantasize and to make my fantasies cum to life, which is definitively something everybody wishes.

After wondering about my physical attractions, I always kept running into the same question: would it be hotter to fuck this flawless male model (and have sweet ‘N smooth sex) or to mate with this marvellously sexy and rough Sport hunk? Do you guys prefer a dude that’s more effeminate or more masculine? I know, it sounds a bit phoney and awkward because this leads once again to the awe question that is top or bottom.

Well, Entschuldigen Sie but I had to ask. I am very curious and LOVE to hear all sorts of crispy stories. If you want my opinion on the latter, I’d say it depends on my mood; sometimes I’m feeling so raw ‘N rough that I’d love to bump into this twinky lil’ nice ass and hurl like a bear. Some other times, I might just tend to be a bit more submissive and would love to be tickled by a hunky jock’s pickle. You have to accept your cravings and feed your libidough.

Furthermore, my will to entertain and delight your eyes will not stop here; just take a look at the hot men I posted below:

Chad White (a Dolce und Gabbana model, my all-time favourite)

Tom Brady (Gisele Bündchen’s lucky husband)

Rodzilla: Varennes = NO NO

This is a rest from last night's frustration. Okay so I had told you about the incredibly jerky dude called Vincent. But now lemme tell you the most utterly obnoxious shit: after the "princess" insulted me, I really wanted to leave, like right away. And then my two "friends", female friends - which do not include Terrine - wanted me to lift them up to Varennes! Excuse me?! Varennnes?! NO WAY JOSE! In case you're not from Montreal or have neva been thurr, go on google map and type Varennes, QC. You'll soon see what kind of a crapsack it is!!!

Do I look like a taxi driver?! I guess no because A) I'm not an immigrant and B) I DO have a driving license. Therefore, I wouldn't give them a lift, especially since the fucker Vincent was coming along with them! Anyways, I had to talk you into that. But by the way, it doesn't mean I never give lifts to people; I'm a member of Amigo Express but Varennes will always be a NO-NO.

Rodzilla: Solidarity, Maybe?!

Okay, I’m writing this up to you because I need to empty my heart from what happened to me last night, or should I say, this morning since it was so “late”. Listen very carefully as this is of very importance level.

As Terrine and I proceeded to getting to a shitty party that I had been invited to, I told her I wasn’t sure I still wanted to go but had people HARASSING me to come. Therefore, we went even though.

We arrived there and it was crowded and messy and my “friends” were already way-too-tipsy. I met this new gay dude called Vincent – I need to put his real name on here ‘cause I’m so full of hate now – which seemed quite nice at the beginning of our night. Like any other mundane party, it wasn’t that exciting; people were all about to puke their guts out, girls were acting whorily, boys were acting douchey. It was crap, literally.

Having the same liver capacity as Asians for alcohol consumption, I was way-too-tipsy very quick. I started dancing and frolicking and liked it a lot. It was so hot and nasty inside that place that we decided to go outside to take some fresh air. And that’s where the inevitable happened: the seemingly nice dude called Vincent started to insult me like a real cunt, apparently taking benefit out of my tipsiness. By insulting I mean he started to show off like a real princess and act as if I were just a loser while this asshole seemed to be after me all along before. He then proved to be even worse: a name-it-diva; he started to tell me that he was so over the gay village because it was “just for desperate horny biotches” and that he didn’t need anything like it because he had a boyfriend and another guypal crazy about him. He pushed it even further by mentioning the fact that Mister Oh-so-Fabulous was studying Physics at McGill. What kinda mothafucka is that?!

I was very shocked and stunned; I couldn’t understand what I coulda done that made him feel so insecure and cocky. While all of this boring monologue was being dictated, I was so confused and agitated I could barely pull a word out, which made me feel so angry afterwards. The douche even ended his monologue by telling me he found himself way more masculine than me!!! Can you annoy me and piss me off a bit more?! I don’t think so!

Thus, the big question here is: why are most gays so reluctant and bitchy towards other gays? Haven’t we all been prosecuted and laughed at before? So why would we want to do that to our buddies once again? Between our own community?!! That’s sado-maso and sad, it’s all I can say.

In fact, The dude pumped me up so much I started feeling like Mike Tyson and thought I was about to punch him real hard. Luckily, I’ve been gentlemanly enough to shut up, pull my thoughts together and LEAVE. If that blog weren't intended to be anonymous, I would’ve posted pics of myself and pics of him so that you guys could compare, but trust me: I was worth a billion more than him.