Rodzilla: Danish Pastry II

There are a few things that went bananas during my five-day trip to Copenhagen; starting with the sauna, then I wanted to feed my growing appetite for sex (not for food, trust me; everything was expensive and plain) so I thought of another way to fulfill it.

That was pretty much the worst idea of my life; I went out taking a walk at midnight at ørstedsparken, a notable park for its gay scene. I was walking quite peacefully when I realized that a creepy fuck was following me since a few minutes, I got nervous and as I terribly needed to pee, I thought it would be bright to go lock myself in the park’s public restrooms to evacuate while he’d get lost.

Agrandir le plan

Gosh was I dumb to think so! He followed me to these secluded dark washrooms and stayed in while I tried to do a number one. I was so scared that he was a murderer or just some sort of mentally-ill creep with a fixed idea of getting me as dinner. I couldn’t pee and didn’t want to wait too long as I was getting more and more stressed out about the whole situation so I got out of the john real quick, ran outside and left the park in a hurry. No misfortune happened and I’m so thankful! Just imagine having to deal with some sort of crap like that while traveling by yourself in a foreign country without anyone you know!

On my last day in Denmark, I went at a local café to lunch and rest, and met this cute local Danish boy called Kristian. I found him very attractive with his blond hair, light blue eyes, summer tan, cold Danish attitude, square jaw and rough accent. I chatted with him for almost an hour and had a good time. Before walking out, I handed him my email address and so did he with his. I told him we could be pen pals so that next time I’d go to Denmark, I could save my pesos. I then once again naïvely thought something could have happened out of it but nothing materialized.

I need to mention that even if this article sounds like I’m dissing Copenhagen, I quite enjoyed it and felt like it was exotic, special and cool. The city is very pretty and has a lot of historic backgrounds that are rich and rewarding. I particularly enjoyed the harbour, Kastellet, Christianshavn, Kongens Nytorv, the Danish Royal House, Ny Havn, the Vor Frelsers Kirke, Amager Strand Park, the beach in Klampenborg and so much more! My biggest disappointment wasn’t even my misadventures with the Danes themselves (of course not, they’re hot ;-)) but mainly the absence of “The Little Mermaid” statue in the harbour which was in China for the whole length of the Shanghai Expo.

Rodzilla: Danish Pastry

As previously mentioned in one of my September articles, "Danske Invasion", I went to Denmark and Sweden (and other countries) last summer.

First off, I need to tell you how randy I was about going there! It’s been such a long time since I fantasized about visiting the Vikings and their bodies countries :-P! I actually went to Copenhagen and this, on my own since Fabulous Andy didn’t want to accompany me up North as she felt it seemed “excremely boring”. May sound lonesome and boring to some of you, but as for myself, I was über-ecstatic to finally get a piece of Nordic blonds’ ass.

Before I go into intimate details with this story, I need to contextualize the situation I was in when I landed on Copenhagen’s Kastrup Lufthavn’s tarmac: I had stayed on my own in flawless Amsterdam for the last five days and had had Dutch “sightseeing” which eventually led to my burning desire to have raunchy garage sex. I had resisted going out chasing beasts or popping it wild at nearby saunas which left me greedy and thus, needy. While on the plane (at 8h30 fucking AM), I was feeling tired but yet truthfully excited to be about to land in “Northern Sex Haven”.

I arrived in Copenhagen two hours later and the weather was awfully shitty and cold compared to what I had benefited in Amsterdam. Nevertheless, I wasn’t disappointed when looking at hot “Great Danes”. It was more that I could handle and I knew it, that’s why I found the address of a sauna in Copenhagen’s micro-gaybourhood and planned to go there on my very first night. And that’s basically what I did but as naïve and unaware about what gay saunas implied, I simply thought that I could go there to “relax”, shower and bethink myself. The sauna was called the “Amigo Sauna” and is supposedly the most notorious sauna in Copenhagen and in Denmark. Here’s the Google Map link (in case you’re close to there and want to “sneak a peak”):

Agrandir le plan

and their website link: http://www.amigo-sauna.dk/ 

What astonishment was it to have been there less than five minutes and already be having pervert hands strolling down on me! I was actually in a “dark room” of a Finnish sauna and the “strolling pervert hands” were those of a 60-some old creepy fuck! I was so surprised, agitated and speechless that I just didn’t know how to react: I stood still, cold as ice (just like most Danes act all the time) and didn’t mutter a word. I handled it for a few seconds and then left the room.

I then wanted to go around the sauna to see how the rest of the installations were looking. There were something like three floors and the upper ones were sort of whorehouse-looking. It had kind of a creepy atmosphere; TV screens displayed everywhere with gay porn playing on them and plenty of small booths built to accommodate “flirting at its climax”. I quickly began to be horny and seek to copulate. I sashayed around all the hallways looking for the hottest piece of Dane I could find and hunt down one that appeared to be just fine. I invited him to join me and we started kissing and frolicking and stuff when I suddenly started feeling guilty and bad thinking about all the illnesses or viruses that I could catch in a place like that! And as I began worrying about it, God must have heard my discomfort because at that very moment, my nose went dry and ran with blood everywhere. I excused myself, went to the bathroom and wiped it until it stopped bleeding. And there it went: I told him I was feeling sick and weird and that I needed to go back to my (shitty) hotel and sleep. I never saw him again.

Fabulous Andy: Vamos a la Playa

Quebecers love going down south during the winter, especially in a place where no Americans are admitted: CUBA.

Rodzilla, Terrine and many other people, including myself, have been considering going to a cheap resort for a week after our university winter semester. Cuba might be an option, since the Dominican Republic is right next to Haiti's cholera epidemic.

That's too bad; when I went to the Dominican Republic two years ago, I had a blast. Male employees or vendors were constantly asking us to marry them, we could eat like pigs and pina coladas in the morning were quite common. We would wake up to wander on the beach, then go to bed at 3 a.m. after having had one (or two, or three or fifteen) too many cervezas... Priceless!

My best memory, of course, excluding discussing religion with an ex-drug-dealer preacher, is Luìs. He worked at the equipment hanger where he would rent stuff for fat-ass couples who pretend to do some sport together to compensate for their boring sex life. And so my friend and I went the the hanger to get a surfboard, but my good intentions flew away when I heard his raspy Spanish accent. Plus, he had golden eyes.

Who the HELL on Earth has golden eyes? Apparently, he does!

Luìs pretended to be the resort's dance teacher, which I believed. I found that so hot, in fact, that I had my legs spread open the day after... in the hanger. My friends were playing volleyball outside. I didn't want to play anyways, 'cause... I suck (at volleyball, you perverts).

This short adventure ended not long after due to my plane ticket. Of course, some promises were made, he said I was the love of his life and that we should keep contact. Mi amor, mi amor, bla, bla. I knew it was going to happen; therefore, I had prepared myself mentally to smile and tell him it wouldn't work out. I can barely speak Spanish, he could barely speak English. Communicating was an issue!

What do you guys think of girls who actually believe those guys? They may be muy caliente, but taking care of someone who can only sleep, eat and fuck in your homeland is a totally other story. I mean, they can go crazy over let's say fair-skinned women with blue eyes and blonde hair (such as myself), but they will soon realize that there are plenty of them here anyways!

I've heard some really nice stories about women who fell in love on a trip in a poorer country and that are now married and have kids. Things that happen down south must stay down south, in my opinion. Pictures of you drunk and naked in Cuba on Facebook is not an everyday situation, so "falling in love" with somebody you've known for 3 days is certainly not a lifetime option when it comes to paying bills!

Rodzilla: Cut The Shit

Lemme make it clear to you right away, this is and will be my most disgusting article EVER lol!!! I know, I know, you might be scared but hey, it's worth it.

So what I really wanna discuss here is when one is having a lil' problem with his rear end while on a date. What  I mean by this is when you're on a date (or a hook up) and everything is apparently going on just fine when suddenly pop! you feel your stomach gasping and reprimanding you for what you have just eaten. In most cases, we call this gases, in some moderate cases, it can occur as constipation but hey in severe cases, one can experience friggin' DIARRHEA on a date!!!!

That's gross and hell, I know it! I've actually had that issue when I was on a very stressful date three years ago. I had been seduced by an obnoxious, over-the-top diva called Jean-Charles who was everything but pleasant. The dude always called his buddies and well, everybody "Coco" but what was über-irritating was his complete non-sense of saying "Chaboom" to anything cool or nice that you'd say. I could barely stand it!

Anyways, I need to tell y'all that even if I wasn't truly interested about him, I nonetheless felt a lil' something about having been approached by him since he was quite good-looking and had a nice pâté (and a tight ass). Though I never thought even for one second that I could bear being called "Coco" and having to add "Chaboom" to my everyday slang. So as we were on our second shitty date -like, literally- we went shopping and as a cheap bastard than I am, didn't buy anything lol! He or I could almost say she, didn't buy anything either and acted like a Hollywood starlet all the time which made me feel bored and annoyed. As we were about to end our shit, we went to eat lunch at the Food court of a downtown mall. I had tortellini with rosé sauce and ate it faster than when a woman ovulates.

Thereafter, we started chatting about him (of course, in his book, he was so interesting and amazing) which bored the shit out of me and combined with the pastas, tossed the shit out of me. I quickly started having gases and had the worst stomachache ever. I think they'd grade up for a 10 on the Richter scale haha! The worst part of the story is that I think he noticed my internal digestion. In this kind of situation, St-Lawrence would say "cut the crap" as he likes to quote that in order to finish something as quick as possible. But in this case, I really needed to "cut the shit" as I needed to evacuate my guts out. I excused myself, went to the bathroom and shitted for like 45 minutes!!!!!!!! Afterwards, when I came back to the table he said "man that was long"! I lied and said I had gotten lost trying to find the restrooms! Our date ended a few minutes after and we never met together again!

Furthermore, if y'all need to poop on a date, end it up before shitting. Find an excuse to simply withdraw from the date instead of going to the bathroom for hours and coming back to your date with a shitty excuse. You should literally, cut the shit and leave. Especially if you're a gay man or a lesbian since your mate can accompany you to the same bathroom! Plus please, please, pretty PLEASE, don't have sex if you have haemorrhoids or diarrhea; CHILD, THAT'S NASTY!!!

I'll end up in beauty with a lovely picture that I found on the net that best expresses what laxative food and drinks such as Coke can make you experience:

Terrine: Ex-Boyfriends' Jewels?

(Not to get confused... I mean real jewels made of crystal, saphire, gold... Not the family jewels our ex-boyfriends have between their two legs! Understand?!?  :P)

At the weekly breakfast of the crew this morning, Fabulous Andy said she'd like to sell a Swarovski necklace her ex-boyfriend gave her for her birthday last summer.  It made me wonder: is it okay to wear ex-boyfriends' jewels?  (In fact, it's a very actual question for me, as I started to wear one of my ex's jewels again).

I think that right after a break-up, every girl should take all of the jewels a boy gave her, put it in a box in her wardrobe and forget them for the time that the relationship lasted.  For example, I started wearing my ex-boyfriend's jewels back yesterday because we had dated for a year and 3 months and I broke up with him on something like the 15th or 16th August 2009.  So I think that selling jewelry should only be an option for the women who have dated a man for like 25 years...  Otherwise... just wait a little and it's going to be okay!

So Fab... you don't have to sell the necklace. Just put it in a box in your wardrobe and forget it until next year! ;)

What do you think about that rule?

Rodzilla: Butt Camp

Huh lolz I just found this on the web y'all! How funny?! It's called Butt Camp and is presented as "Harder...Longer  and Gayer than Glitter"!!! It's actually not that dumb (you're probably thinking: really?!) since the exercises that they recommand are truthfully good for thy ole butt! Kyle, one of the coaches is quite hot and the cheesy retro softcore porn tone of the vids make me love it even more! That might be a good XXXmas gift!

http://www.buttcampdvd.com/

Trailer:

The "Butt Flex" Workout:

Butt-a-licious!

Rodzilla: Takin' Me Higher

Hey y'all!! Here's sexy aussi Kylie Minogue and Taio Cruz's new duet entitled "Higher"! Gotta love it! Actually the clip is entertaining but I'm not quite sure whether I like the concept; I feel like it doesn't really fit with the song and its vibe. Plus Kylie's smoking hot bod and fashionable facial features are not displayed at their best if you want my opinion. Anyways, it's still worth watching, I mean it's Kylie! :

St-Lawrence: On the Pursuit of Happiness

Let me all introduce myself to you folks. As you may all know by now… Yes, I’m the famous St-Lawrence and this is my first (hope not last) post on the blog!

About me, Rodzilla would describe me as a straight-crazy-mothafucka… Terrine as the Barney ‘Legendary’ Stinson…and Fabulous Andy as… well… you should ask her! According to myself, I love to quote Big Bank Hank from the late ‘70s rap group The Sugarhill Gang in the song Rapper’s Delight in order to describe myself: ‘’Yeah I’m six-foot one and tons of fun’’. I look like that typical hetero, the guy that doesn’t-really-want-to-be-in-a-committed-relationship-but-sometimes-had-to-in-order-to-have-sex-but-thank-god-they-didn’t-last-long. Don’t worry faithful followers; I’m not here to complain about my shitty past relationships, nor my shitty past sex partners (well I might mention some of them some time…).

My real reason of being in this blog would be more to talk to you about what is going on in my life, or what I call my pursuit of happiness. You see, even if I may look like one of those Lynx football players built-like-a-train-nothin’-in-tha-brain, because I wasn’t made in the same thin cake pan as our friend Rodzilla (nice pâté BTW single dude), I surely don’t look the same from the inside. I can say I’m smart because I always had good report cards or because I have opinions, but I’d rather say I’m smart because I can wisely manage my emotions. I know how to use them and I don’t always hide them as normal, so-proud-to-be heteros. I’m not saying that you will see me crying because I scratched my knee or nail or such (I still have my pride)… I just know how to be compassionate, sincere and respectful to others.

My pursuit of happiness is about seizing opportunities and enjoying life as much as I can. It is also about having a career and earning a good bread for a living. Besides, it’s about women, the ones that had and will stop by my way and the one that will go along with. Nonetheless, the most important thing is about my friends and what they bring to me. My friendships have always been my real relationships; they are the only ones that last, that I really cared about and that I really wanted to keep. I love my friends and I’m loyal to them. And this is especially true about my three bloggies-homies. It may not have been a long time since I know them, but believe me; you want them in your life, no doubt about it.

So to y’all assholes of the world, if you want a piece of ass from horny Rodzilla, femme-fatale Terrine or bootylicious Fabulous Andy… be nice guyz… ‘cuz da crew now has a dog… St-Lawrence is in da house mothafucka!!!… and I might bark very little but I know how to bite.

Rodzilla: Big Machete

'Ight guys this is the trailer of the dazzling film "Machete" directed by my father Robert Rodriguez (just kidding). It is awesome! Fabulous Andy, St-Lawrence, Terrine and I watched it last friday night when we did a sort of Pajama Party at St-Lawrence's. In fact, I should say that only Fabulous Andy and I watched it 'cuz Terrine and St-Lawrence fell asleep and didn't watch any of it lolz! Hope you'll enjoy, don't forget to take a sneek peak at Jessica Alaba and Michelle Rodriguez' pâtés. Me gusta Western Spaghettis!

Rodzilla: Drag Behaviour

I dated a drag queen last February.

You know how it goes with relationships, you never really know neither what’s happening nor what is about to happen but I think nothing can be more miscellaneous and hazardous than my relationship with that Drag Queen lol!

Her/his name is inspired by his/her native Caribbean island which is the same than Rihanna (Barbados); so let's call that Drag Queen "La Isla Bonita". So everything started when I attended a show at Le Cabaret Mado last February. He/she spotted me in the crowd and went dancing with me and we chatted. He/she/it seemed interested and aroused by me. I felt very flattered and thought about the same regarding him since he/she had a very edible pâté and a Nutella skin tone. Aside from Nutella Versace, Nutella turns me on.

So we sort of flirted and I went to one of his parties (I think I already told you previously). Naïve as I am, I believed we could take that soon-to-be relationship to the next level as he/she had an undergraduate diploma, a full-time job and seemed to be quite serious for a Drag Queen. I asked him/her out next week after the party and he/she completely ditched me. I was mad. He/she then texted me and excused him/herself for the inconvenience. I was still upset so I just told him I was going to Vancouver and Seattle the same week so we wouldn’t meet before at least two weeks or so.

He/she never called me back and to be honest, neither did I. I was just too upset about having been ignored so gnarly. I felt like it was his/her turn to contact me. This of course, never happened so we ended up never talking to each other from then until yesterday night! Yup lol, we finally saw each other again. Actually it wasn’t even intentional ‘cuz we had gone to the Cabaret just to have a blast since Fabulous Andy had a friend of hers dancing in the “So We Think We Can Dance” Drag cover. What’s just weird is that “La Isla Bonita” acknowledged my presence in the audience and greeted me during the show, went to chat with me (though very quickly) after it and seemed to be almost glad to see me.

What’s so awkward is that he/she/it then left the stage and dance floor to go hide backstage. I then saw him/her/it again as he/she was leaving and he/she totally ignored me and almost looked repentant speaking with me twice in one evening. From now on, I added a rule to my “Misfortune Dating Guide” which goes as follows: “Thou shalt not date nor copulate with a Drag Queen, ye ol’ Stick shalt keep asleep when in presence of they”.

That’s all for now folks, hope you enjoyed the article. I need to mention though that I do not dislike Drag Queens; they’re very entertaining and shit but when it comes to a serious date or potential boyfriend, things get fucked up and I’m never sure of how to act with them: they’re big Drama Queens. The only Drag Queens that seem datable would be RuPaul and NYC’s Hedda Lettuce.



Rodzilla: Beyoncé Gives Me Fever

Geez! I'm not really surprised to hear that this video was banned to air before 19h30 in the UK!! I mean it's really great and sells the product perfectly and definitely does it for me but I have to agree; it shouldn't be watched by younger viewers! I mean c'mon Beyowolf! This is like Soft-Porn lolz! But y'all have to agree it's really hot and steamy! Loves it and loves Beyoncé!!!

Fabulous Andy: November Blues

Ugh. It's so cold outside, I just feel like staying home and cozying up in front of the fireplace.

There is one problem, however: I have no fireplace! HA!

Seriously, people in general get a bit depressed during the autumnal transition. We don't see the sun as often, it's cold outside, leaves are rotting and they smell like shit. How can one possibly live without some everyday stimulation? I suspect people might be masturbating more often not for the fun of it, but because they're so depressed and found nothing else to make them happier. That is, unless you get an orgasmic reaction when Christmas shopping in advance, like my mum.

Autumn is also a period where I find myself wanting to cozy up and mate more than usual. Slightly depressed? Maybe.

I was born in the summer, will die during the summer. I live for warmth, so when I don't have it, I feel quite unbalanced. I've worked myself up and found a stable sex solution to compensate for my November blues. This might or might not be a temporary solution, as Christmas usually gets my spirits high. Watch out, Santa... Ho, ho, hoe!

Rodzilla: Old School Nirvana

And nope, I'm not talking about the Seattle sensational group entitled "Nirvana" but some old school divas who with their mighty voices, could bring us to Nirvana! So I've talked to y'all about my burning love for Mariah and C'Lyn (ghetto name for Céline Dion) but how about the famed crazy diva Twittney Houston?!! I just LOVE her too!!! Oh and the other day I was feeling so blue and depressed, I really needed something to enlighten my day and let's be honest guys, carbs and chocolate are the best revivers for that matter but hey, I'm tryna keep on lookin' fine so I need to avoid shitty food! So is there anything better as a second choice reviver than listening to some '80s and '90s blasting joints? I don't think so! Oh and Whitney's songs are just so contagious! I can't help it! Actually I had never really watched her music videos and had never really thought about how good-looking this woman is! I mean look at those legs! No doubt she was a Fashion model prior to debuting her music career! She was über-hot, it's so sad that Crack and all the shit she's taken have "cracked" her voice :-(!

The very up-tempo "I Wanna Dance With Somebody":

Up next: the song that best describes my incapacity to understand anything that relates to relationships:



The unforgettable "I Will Always Love You":

Rodzilla: Completely Gratuitous

Hahaha St-Lawrence showed me this video of a weird young man rapping on a G-Unit song along with... no one else but 50 Cent himself lolz!!!

--> My new dada: Indian videos "translated" into English!

Rodzilla: Gay For Pay

Whoever has already "surfed" a gay porn website or heard about them knows that some of the actors auto-label themselves as "gay for pay". In case some of y'all readers don't know what this term means well I'll explain it to ya. Gay for pay signifies that a person (male or female) would be willing to act gay -that is having sex with a person of the same sex- in a taped sex scene or in private in order to get money (whether from Porn producers or from "whore customers").

I know it sounds real bad well child that's exactly what it is: it IS bad!!! Can you believe that someone 100% straight -especially a guy- would be willing to have sex with a person of the same sex just for some loose cash? How desperate and self-disrepectful! I'm not saying it is bad for a "straight guy" to try something here and there (actually not at all) but still it's pretty weird to me! I mean I can't believe that some men who are supposedly not attracted to other men whatsoever would be willing to have sex with them (being whether a top or a BOTTOM). That is, especially since the latter is negatively viewed among the straight community. I had heard of the matter a long time ago but never really cared since I felt heartless for straight dudes lol! No offense St-Lawrence! But the thing is after watching some porn Tyra Banks's special episode on her eponymous show about the problem I realized how much of an important issue it was.

The most shocking thing to me is the fact that even myself -a gay man- wouldn't accept to have taped sex nor to engage in the porn business so why would straight guys be more willing to do so?! I know it's definitely an issue about money, hence the name of the term but hey, isn't it like doing something against your own will? Maybe it's a bit sado-maso. If you ask me, those guys are probably half-closeted men who are ready to have sex with other men on tape but since they're getting paid to do so, they'll lie saying it's only for the money!

Why don't these very guys go out in the village and stop having girlfriends? Some of us might like to experience what it's like, playing with someone of experience! :-P